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The Cows Are in the Corn

November 15th, 2009

 

The Cows Are in the Corn

 

(For what it is worth, I am the original author of the first joke. I wrote it down and sent it to a few friends about 1999, after Tom Anderson told me the story. About two months later I received it back from another person and the sequel was added. Through the years the other versions were added as well. I have no idea who wrote them, but obviously more writing talent was involved than my first story.)

 


The Original:


An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended a large church.
He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well,” said the farmer,
“It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.”
“Praise choruses,” said his wife, “What are those?”
“Oh, they’re okay. They’re sort of like hymns, only different,” said the farmer.
“Well, what’s the difference?” asked his wife.

The farmer said, “Well it’s like this - If I were to say to you: ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a hymn.

 

If, on the other hand, I were to say to you: ‘Martha Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN.’

Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that would be a praise chorus.”


The sequel!

Coincidentally, the same week, a young businessman from the city who normally attended a church with contemporary-style worship, was in the old farmer’s town on business and visited the farmer’s small town church.
He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well,” said the young man,
“It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs.”
“Hymns,” said his wife, “What are those?”
“Oh, they’re okay. They’re sort of like regular songs, only different,” said
the young man. “Well, what’s the difference?” asked his wife.
The young man said, “Well it’s like this - If I were to say to you,
’Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a regular song.
If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry.

Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.

Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by

to the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

 

For the way of the animals who can explain,
There in their heads is no shadow of sense.

Hearkenest they in God’s sun or his rain

Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

 

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,

Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.

Then goaded by minions of darkness and night,

They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.

 

So look to that bright shining day by and by,

Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn.

Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry.

And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.


Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on
the last verse, well that would be a hymn.”

The Special Rendition


The Cows Are In The Corn
(Tune: I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever)

Over the laneway from the barn
That sits upon our family farm,
Across the pasture there’s a gate
To which I hurry, but I’m late.
For now the gate is open wide,
The cattle are no more inside
And further from the barn I see
Now where the cows have gone to be.


Chorus:
Oh Martha, the cows are in the corn,
Oh Martha, the cows are in the corn.
Oh Martha, the cows are in the corn,
Oh Martha, the cows are in the corn.

Bridge:
Right now they’re busy eating
The corn right off the plants,
But when it’s time for milking
They will find their way to the
Barn at last, yeah!
(reprise chorus 50 times)

 

Christian Rock Band Version

Now if you were to do a “regular song” about the cows in the corn” it would
go something like this:

 
the cows are in the corn
the cows are in the corn
the cows are in the corn
the cows are in the corn

(volume up a notch)
the cows are in the corn
the cows are in the corn
the cows are in the corn
the cows are in the corn

(key change)
the cows are in the corn
the cows are in the corn
the cows are in the corn
the cows are in the corn
(drum shift with increased tempo)
the corn, the cows
the corn, the cows
the corn, the cows
the corn, the cows
(the lead guitar beginning to start thumping and the bass up the key and
drum up the pace)
the the the the
cows, cows, cows, cows
are, are, are ,are
in, in, in, in
corn, corn, corn, corn

cows are in the corn
cows are in the corn
cows are in the corn
cows are in the corn
(improv ending in a key change)

cows are in the corn
(volume up a notch)
cows are in the corn
(volume up a notch)
cows are in the corn
(volume up a notch)
the cows are in the corn
(at this point the backup singers begin
putting your hands into the air and making fists and pulling down
the milking leader tells everyone to “embrace the utters and let the corn fall”)

the cows,
(milk leader now beginning to weep visibly)
OH the cows, Those precious cows,
My precious cows, Your precious cows
Her precious cows, His precious cows
(at this point the dance team enters dressed as milk maids each with a milk stool
followed by men dressed in farmer costumes with giant dowel sticks with
flowing golden 3 foot wide ribbons with painted corn ears which are waved
over the congregation)

are in
the corn
(all instruments slam)

the corn
(all instruments slam)

the corn
(all instruments slam)

TTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHeeeeee CCCCCCCOOOOOOOORRRRRRRNNNNNNNN

(at this point all the dancers fall on their face and the milkleader falls
exhausted on one knee as a giant inflated cow is carried by four men dressed as ears of corn
through the congregation as the instruments frantically play on)
The congregations looks at each other and smile knowing from the warm milky
feeling they share that the fertilizer has flowed freely here today.

 

Gregorian Chant Version


Mar——te, Mar——te, die—————–Kuehe sind im Maise—–

 

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